Late night ponderings #3

Why can’t I get myself to verbalize what is on my mind?

Advertisements

Somatic Symptoms

I am not diagnosing myself but this best describes what is happening to me right now.

I have had a very bad week emotionally. I feel like I am stuck in a limbo. Like the world around me is moving on and I am not.

It started a couple of days ago. I developed a stiff neck. I ignored it thinking it would get better but it never did. I went to the doctor and was prescribed medicines but I kind of started crying at the doctor’s. I came home feeling humiliated. And ever since that day, I have been feeling very low. And now I have somatic symptoms. I have little control over my left arm. The muscles have a mind of their own. Yesterday my legs hurt like I sprained a muscle. I don’t know, I feel twitches in the randomest muscles. Sometimes my voice loses power. Like I have no control over my phonation. It is momentary but I don’t feel in control of my body.

I don’t know how to cope with it.

When does this get over?

Pace

I was sitting in front of my computer listening to lectures. Not even 20 minutes had passed before I tuned out.

It wasn’t because I wanted to procrastinate. I just wasn’t grasping the concept. This was my second time going through the lecture and it was still as confusing as the first time I watch.

And I started to panic and before you knew it I was in my spiral of self-loathing and self pity. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. My lack of understanding that one chapter was all I could concentrate on. And it kept getting worse. I started questioning myself. It got real bad real fast.

But this is not the first time it has happened. In fact it happens every time I sit down to study. I will have a plan laid out and definitely a realistic one. But single wrong move and I spiral in to self doubt, confusion and a feeling of complete and utter incompetence.

Being slow with my study progress is the bane of my existence. It wasn’t this way before. I have always been goal oriented and driven and I like it. It is a part of who I am.

Back in school, I had control over everything I did. If I got a bad score, it was because I didn’t work for it. If I worked for something, I always got results. Always. But as I transitioned into college, things started getting tougher. My pace started slowing down I was so obsessed with the idea of getting into a medical college that I didn’t leave any room for error and that, my friends, is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

So coming back to the present; I hate how much time it takes me to learn a concept. It might take someone a day to learn something but it will take me twice as long. And I was thinking just that. And then I talked my self out of the self criticism and the undeserved self abuse.

Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. So what if I am taking twice as long. So what if I am a “slow learner”. I am still working. Despite feeling like a failure every second of every day, I work. I sit in front of my books even if I am having a thought spiral (which actually takes up a lot of my time).

At the end of the day I am a fighter. So yes I am a slow learner, and yes, I will have to take crap from people who think it is okay to tell me what to do with my life. But I am fighting for what I want. Progress is progress no matter how small.

I am doing things at my own pace and it is completely okay!

You Must Be Hormonal.

A couple of weeks ago I was on my instagram account. I usually have my notifications turned off because I get distracted easily. But anyway I log-in and I see that I have a DM. I rarely get DMs but when I do they usually fall into two categories

1) Borderline Creepy

2) Entertaining

And so thinking I’d find something to laugh about I opened this message and I am paraphrasing here but this person goes

Hey you’re really pretty. I was randomly scrolling through insta and I came across your profile. They thought I was pretty (alluding toward my insecurities) but must be “hormonal” because I looked perfectly fine in my profile picture (As if looks really matter and are the solution to all of life’s problems).

Then they went on and said that I must be wondering why a random stranger would comment on “my take on my feelings about myself” (like my feelings were a fucking makeup pallete that I was reviewing) but they were just doing it to fish for my attention.

I made me so angry. All he got from my blog posts was someone who was insecure about the way they looked and who needed a man’s approval to get over her insecurities.

I come here to unburden myself of all my thoughts. Sometimes I talk about my mental health so that I don’t feel alone. And maybe in the process help someone feel understood.

Not to have men crawling into my Dms fishing for attention. This is wrong on so many levels.

I might be depressed and vulnerable but it does not mean that I am stupid. Or I am desperate for someone’e approval. I’m not. Because the only person whose approval matters to me is my own.

I find it sickening an absolutely misogynistic, ignorant and uninformed.

And just absolutely fucking disgusting.

I deleted all my social media because I absolutely hate this sort of behaviour.

Please educate yourself before sliding in to someone’s DM. And if you don’t know what you are talking about keep you mouth shut.

Restraint

Sometimes you can not send your thoughts and feelings out into the world because professing it to the world would make it real. Written in stone, never to be withered.

And I am stuck with that feeling. The feeling of having to hold my thoughts back. To brush my worries and anxieties under the rug. To pretend everything is perfect when it is far from that.

But Alas I have to restrain myself.

The Days I Let Myself Feel Sad.

So you know those days, when you’re down but you don’t really know what you are down about?

I am having one of those days. I am bummed for no particular reason.

On days like this it is hard. It is kind of like you are stuck in that in between stage where you are not really depressed but one bad thing happens and hell breaks loose in that vault up there. Like you have a choice in the matter and if you choose to be sad, it is your fault.

Life isn’t the way I want it to be, but when is it ever?

I’m not here feeling sorry for myself. I am just reflecting on the way I feel right now. And I don’t feel my best.

It might just end up being due to sleep deprevation.

Current Skincare Routine

I have not posted anything beauty in a hot minute. I typically tend to avoid posting in the said arena because I have been inconsistent in past. And I don’t know but sometimes it is too much pressure. I get extremely self-conscious. This Type-A can not have too much on her plate.

But anyway I couldn’t sleep all night and 12 p.m. was a bit to late to hit the bed so I decided to take a day off my study plan. So I officially have not closed my eyes in 30 hrs.

Now that I have free time on my hands, I thought I would update you guys (or at least those of you who are the least bit interested) on my skincare routine.

A bit of a disclaimer, I do not know much about skincare, but I have been wanting to get into the habit of taking care of my skin for a while now and after several failed attempts, I think I’m finally getting into a routine.

I also did not want to spend too much money on my skin care either because it is not sustainable in the long run. So I went for a mid-range brand (at least by Pakistani standards) these are way cheaper abroad. I browsed YouTube and a lot of people seemed to be raving on about The Ordinary so I decided to jump the bandwagon and bought a couple of their products to build a basic skincare routine.

For reference, my skin is normal to combination and extrememly sensitive. I’m 24 and I wanted to target anti-aging and fine lines.

THE ROUTINE:

So first of all I wash my face (duh) so that we have a clean surface to work with. Next I soak a cotton pad with the TO Glycolic Acid 7% Toner. This product is by far the favorite part of my skincare routine and here is why.

I am not a fan of physical exfoliants. A lot of girls I know use the St. Ives Apricot Scrub. I was also one of those girls. However, the problem with physical exfoliants is that the particles are harsh and abrasive and can damage the capillaries in your skin. But On top of all that, it is messy. Very, very messy.

What I like about chemical exfoliants and Glycolic acid in particular is that it is convenient to use (no messy sink) and also time efficient. I’m not going to get into the science of it but trust me it is a great product and one worth investing into.I will try to do an in depth review on the glycolic acid toner at some point.

[Side note: I would suggest that those of you with sensitive skin do your own research on glycolic acid. Everybody’s skin is different and what might have worked on my skin might not work on yours]

The next step is to slop on the TO 10% Magnesium Ascorbyl Phosphate. This is supposed to brighten the skin. I have used this active ingredient in the past from different brands and I haven’t seen a big of a difference when compared with the others.

The third product I use is TO The Buffet. It is supposed to be an anti-aging serum. Only time will tell if this one is actually working because a lot of skincare gurus can’t stop raving about it. The one thing I would like to say about this product is that it is slightly tacky to the touch and I am not a fan of that feeling. It goes away after a while but still I don’t particularly live for the sticky feeling.

I top everything off with my most favorite moisturizer in the whole wide world which is by Simple. I have been using this moisturizer for the past 7 years and it is my holy grail moisturizer.

I would like to add that I got all ” The Ordinary” products from the website mentioned below.

www.shopaholic.com.pk

Metamorphosis

My blog has been going through some changes. I have been trying to update my older posts, one at a time. At the time I didn’t really care about them being perfect. Even at this point in time, perfectionism is not what I am truly seeking. I just want my older blogs to be a bit coherent. It does kind of feel weird.

I changed my first blog post and it felt like I was tampering with my history.

I don’t know I feel like sometimes you just have to make things better. And I want to make my posts a bit more cohesive. If that makes sense.

I don’t havr time to sit down and fix each and every post but I’ll probably try to build upon the existing material. I might even add some commentary on the statements that I have made in the past on my blogposts and talk about my state of mind.

As far as things are concerned, It has been somewhat chill. Atleast emotionally. I have probably had 2 anxiety episodes and one was triggered in my college library. I wasn’t particularly happy when that happened because I had been anxiety free for a while. I had been stressed for sure and loads of tension headaches but in terms of anxiety things had been fine until a few days ago.

So that is the tea. Hope you all have a great day.

Mahnoor.